“I Can’t Help It If Jared Fogle Knows What He Likes”

sexy womanIf I could just say one thing about that whole Jared the Subway man scandal, I think it’s too damn bad. So what if he’s sexually attracted to them young teenagers? It ain’t got nothin to do with selling subs so I ain’t judgin. I know I won’t be the first to say it, after all, he was a married man but holy shmokes is he good lookin! See! That’s why I can’t be judgin who we are sexually attracted to. I didn’t go to no school to be a judge and I ain’t no god so I got no place sayin bad things about him. Now, I’m not one to sit in front of the t.v. for days at a time but when I finally did catch a glimpse of him on one of them samwich commercials, I was blown away!

Now don’t get me wrong, I snagged me a husband many years ago and we got hitched in a park. It was fine and all but I can’t really say I’ve been a happily married woman. That’s probably why I felt so strong when I saw them baby blues(?) greens(?) on Jared Fogle. And that smile is to die for! Hot damn.

Jared+Fogle

I’d never as much as holler at another man. That’s not who I am as a woman. It’s just that my husband don’t know how to use the computer so there ain’t no way he can see what I’m doin. He don’t really know what the internet is. I know, I know he’s not quite with the times, but he still gets up at the butt crack of dawn and provides. He’s a sewer worker. Hard workin man but computers just ain’t part of his vocabulary. I’m assuming since Jared was so famous he prolly knows a thing or two about using the internet. I’m just assumin is all.

Why aren’t there more men out there like him? He’s a real catch. He’s got millions, I bet! Plus all these years he’s been eatin up them delicious subs. He probably gets ’em for free, lucky dog! It’s funny cause no matter how much turkey or ham or bologna I buy I can’t ever seem to make it taste like that Subway makes ’em.  It don’t matter, I can put lot’s of mayonnaise and mustard all over it, but it don’t make no difference. I can’t do it right. Subway knew what they was doin when they hired a sex symbol to sell their samwiches. Sex sells and Jared knows how to work it.

I bought me a subway calendar a couple years ago. It ain’t nothin special but it did have a picture of Jared on it plus lot’s of photos of turkey subs n ham and cheese samwiches. I really like that sweet onion chicken teriyaki thing they got out. It’s good as hell, but one time I did get a real grisly piece of chicken. When they microwaved it I think they put it on too high or somethin. A real bummer, but I just spit that sucker out and kept eatin. I don’t waste my money like that – throwin perfectly good food in the trash.

Subway

Now I know I’m a little late with sharing my perspective on the Jared ordeal, but better late than never. It’s important to me that people know we don’t all judge him for what he likes. Lord knows I’ve been judged just for eatin at Subway but I’m a woman who knows what she likes! I can’t help it that I like ham and turkey, chicken and roast beef and sauces all between pieces of bread smashed together. They also put green, crunchy things on it. I don’t care for that much but it don’t got much flavor so I can deal with it. It all tastes good and it’s fresh cause they make it right in front of you. That’s how you know when somethin is fresh – exposed meat, cheese and other delicious toppings that go on samiches are sitting out waiting for somebody to slap ’em together. I get it made right in front of me and I like that. No gimmicks.

As long as Jared ain’t havin sex with them samwiches, I’ll keep eatin there. Hell, maybe he has slept with all of ’em including the ham but at least they’re fresh. I know I ain’t fresh after a good rompin. I’d let Jared jump my bones any day!

Advertisements
Posted in Whatevs | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Don’t Think I’ve Got It Anymore

Old Man AsthmaIt pains me to say it, but I don’t think I got it anymore.

But, hell, that’s not what I’m here to gripe about. Lord knows my penis has been nothin but a limp, dangly for the last 40 years. So, yeah, I’m not here to get into all that. But, I was just lookin in the mirror across the room and watchin my COPD ass breathin through this little plastic piece of shit. It brought a few things to mind.

Jesus Christ Hell. Look at me, sittin here breathin in this weak steam 500 times a goddamned day. The only thing I used to inhale like this was smokes. Ha, for years I was a pack-a-day sort of guy. Lord almighty did I used to smoke me some tobacco. I was living, you know? Really living. I’d smoke ’em until there was nothin left, put ’em out in my empty rocks glass. That’s the other thing about me, see, I never had an empty glass. Most the time I didn’t even need a glass – the bottle worked just fine, thank you. But isn’t that just like us men, no need for frills.

man_alcohol_cigarettes_pill

I was really going through some things here. It was hell trying to do the daily grind when all I wanted was to live life to the max.

Now that’s what I call livin. Smokin and drinkin and puttin other stuff into my body. It’s the nights you don’t remember that matter most cause those were nights spent out there livin life. I’ve gathered, after all these years I’ve been on this earth, that we learn from our experiences. I’ve taken a lot of chances, very risky chances. Both my ex wives could tell you a tale or two about how seriously I took livin my life. Sometimes I’d be asleep for days after a few weeks of pure, raw life throwin me for loop after loop. It was great.

I went through money like it was nothin, but that’s what money’s for! I made all the right friends – they were always giving me free booze, smokes, and good pieces of advice. They knew how to get money in ways I coulda never figured out on my own. I sure as hell am no genius, but I always had that adventurous spark most people only dream of. I was brave, too. Goddammit was I a brave bastard. I’ve slept on empty freight train cars. I’ve woken up bloody and beat to shit. I once had the shiniest pistol held right against my left temple. I tattooed my balls. I watched a buddy O.D. on meth. I’ve thrown a few punches at cops. By the time I was 35 I had all of my teeth yanked. I look back and laugh at it now. See, that’s part of gettin old, you can look back at your life and just laugh.

I just have to look back at this and smile. I was truly living.

I just have to look back at this and smile. I was truly living.

Many of my adventures began in dark, secret rooms. There’s something mysterious about meeting a man in a smoky room. Not in that fruity sort of way but like we was two guys just livin life – lookin for the next venture. I always thought of it like: a hazy room and a hazy mind, just livin life and livin fine. Hahaha. Yup. I’ve seen a lot of things but I’m the type that don’t get that PTSD or whatever the hell it’s called. I was able to get my brain to forget a lot of shit and I just know some of it was bad. Real bad. I’d probably have some problems if I could remember exactly how my old buddy James died. I was there, but see, that’s where my mind is strong because I don’t remember anything that happened. It was one of them nights where I wasn’t drinkin out of a glass, if you know what I’m sayin.

But like I said before, now I just look back and laugh at stuff like that. Sometimes, I knew there was no time to wait around and get old so I could forget things. I knew I had to just leave. There’s lot’s of people out there who want to control you; tell you that you need “help” or that you are a “junkie”. The way I see it, as was the case with my first wife, if she and the kids didn’t see me as the adventurous rebel I was, then fuck ’em. That’s not love. People are supposed to love you for who you are, flaws and all.

Then she had the nerve to ask me for money. Lord I’m tellin you, I made it so I’d never see her ugly face again. First she wanted to take my pride, then she insulted my mind by calling doctors and bullshit like that and finally she wanted to take me for a fool and get my money. She says it was for the kids but honestly I never thought they was mine. I just never had that attached feeling you’re supposed to get so that was a sign to me.

Women need to learn that they can’t change a man. I was set in my ways and I wasn’t gonna change for nobody. There was some ladies I met during my extra wild days that never told me how to live. Actually, they just wanted to be around me all the damn time because I was one hell of a gutsy man. They could see that in me. One night, this one I’ll never forget, it was the day I met my soul mate. I wasn’t one to believe in that crock but when Krystle looked at me with those dark, bloodshot eyes I became a believer. She was a strong woman, that one, livin life to the fullest on her own in the streets. She was livin free from the shackles of society, she was. I tell ya, Jesus Christ, she was always gettin the smokes, booze and other stuff she needed to really live life. She always seemed to have plenty of lovers, sometimes 10 in a day, which drove me crazy. There wasn’t anything I could do about that though. There were a few times she sloppily asked me if I was lookin to have a good time with her but she wanted my money too so I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I really loved that one. I was there when she died, I think.

Just look at the way she used to look at me. My soul mate.

Just look at the way she used to look at me. My soul mate.

Oh, I could go on and on about the life I’ve lived. I’ve got tale after tale about me just being me and livin my goddamned life. (Hacking cough) Excuse me, but I spent this whole time talkin to you and I wasted my breathing treatment. I need this to live my life, you know.

Posted in Whatevs | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

No, No, No, No – One Woman’s Journey On Maury

My DVR is filled with Maury episodes. Is yours?

Posted in Maury, Videos | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

My side of the story

Tragedy

This really pisses me off. Here I am, minding my own business, looking for a midnight snack, and suddenly I have wrinkly, clammy old lady hands rubbing all over my sleek, luxurious coat. What would YOU do? Defend yourself, of course. I can’t help it if I have razor-sharp claws and needle-like fangs. And don’t even get me STARTED on the whole “cat” thing. My friend Nicky got into it with a cat the other night and let me tell you, there’s a reason they call those domesticated weaklings “pussies”. Disgusting excuse for an animal, if you ask me. Anyway. Imma go back to gnawing on this garbage can wheel. I got a busy day ahead of me.

Posted in Whatevs | Leave a comment

Diapers, Wipes & Clothes – Oh My!

Maury Povich

  Maury show butt chin

Posted in Maury, Videos | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Life Has Been Good To Me But…

Blonde Woman

…I’m tired of going to Applebee’s by myself and ordering a giant mudslide. It’s one of the small things I actually do for myself. I’m just kidding, actually. I’d never go to a restaurant by myself because I have so many awesome friends. I really do. I have so many friends that I’ve lost track. Kidding again. I’d never lose track of just how many friends I actually have cause I care so much about all of them.

I was hanging out with one of them recently, well, a few of them actually at the same time at my house cause I have a really nice place with room for all of us to sit down and eat, drink, play. Anyway, I was hanging out with all of them and we were eating pizza, but I try to not eat too much pizza because it’s so fatty and stuff but I like to please all of my friends so we ordered pizza. I like to make sure my girls are taken care of. But I also have guy friends, too, cause I’m just open to stuff like that. I’m an open person.

Anyways, like I was saying, I’m really tired of going to Bee’s alone. And by alone I mean surrounded by loving, supportive friends. I just mean, I’m looking for a partner. A lover who can have sex with me, unlike my friends. I’d never even imagine kissing one of my friends. That’s sickness. But I’m not anti-gay or something like that. I just am not one to want to kiss my friends but I might do it if they wanted me to cause I like making sure that they like me.

Sometimes, I feel so isolated…but not too isolated cause I’m actually a really busy person. But I just mean isolated in a sense where I’m surrounded by loving friends but none of them truly understand me. Well, it’s not that they don’t understand me, it’s just that I sometimes feel that I’m a little different, but, I have so many loving people around me. Don’t get me wrong when I say I’m isolated. Being different is good. I have so many different friends from all sorts of places. Please don’t confuse isolation with simply being different – those are two totally different concepts. I know, I know, I’m pretty complex but that’s also part of what makes me beautiful, deep and a good friend.

So, I’m looking for love from a man. I’m looking to get intimate, if you know what I’m saying. I’m looking for a good guy who is willing to get to know all of my friends cause I’m really busy with them all of the time. I’m in many clubs and my job requires me to meet people all the time. But, it’s not that I’m forced to make friends, it happens naturally. I’m a people person and people often gravitate towards me cause I’m just that way. We all have gifts, right? That’s mine – people. People are my friends.

I’m not even some crazy cat lady cause I prefer the company of people. Don’t get me wrong, I think animals are all cute and stuff, but I like people more. Does that make me weird lol??

Also, (I’m sure you were wondering when I’d actually start talking about myself!) I like music, food, sleeping, movies and spending time with my loved ones. I like spending time with all of my friends. They mean the world to me even when they don’t call me for an extended time. We all get busy! I just like making sure that I keep calling them a lot to let them know how much I care.

So, let me wrap this up. I’m looking for a good man who is going to want to please me as much as I love pleasing people. I want equality and I want him to understand that I’m a busy person and I have lot’s of friends that I have to keep connected with. A good man will understand this about me and love me for who I am and respect my friends all of the time. I’m so caring, my heart feels like it might explode sometimes! Ahhhhrrr! Hehe.

Life is so beautiful.

But seriously, if you like what you see and hear from me, I have friends that can back me up. Message me! I’m just sitting here group texting about how I’m setting up an online dating profile.

XOXO

Posted in Whatevs | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Business Men March

Business Men

Business Men

This time of year….is Christmas time. It’s the time of year where we accentuate our pinkish, vascular skin tones with red adornments. Flushed tones highlighted by whiskey and by warm, glowing candle light. Or maybe your skin tone is nothing like that – and with that, I’d deem you one fortunate a-hole. Most likely for you and most, Christmas isn’t about skin. I’m just gonna assume that one.

If Christmas was about skin tones I’d quit it all. I can tell you though, there’s a group of men that will NEVER give up when it comes to anything even if it means telling a group of people they can’t do something because their look isn’t festive enough. Our world doesn’t work like that though. Skin tone just doesn’t come into play when it comes to political affairs. These are BUSINESS MEN. They don’t discriminate.

KIDDING! That they do! But! In this case, there’s going to have to be an exception. Did you happen to notice that there aren’t any “minorities” in that photo? No black Business Men, No Hispanic or Asian Business Men or Indian, or Native or Women. Ha!!! Yup, I know. There ain’t nothing there other than white, balding men marching in suits with briefcases celebrating business-hood. This is all happening on a gray, cold, winter afternoon. Don’t these men have meetings to attend? Who are those people sitting in the stands attending such an event? Probably losers, I’m assuming.

I don’t really know who goes to watch such a spectacle, but I do know that there are business men out there “parading” around. Yes, yes – a play on words but it’s true. You need to know how important it is that Business Men get out there, whenever and however they can. They’re whoring themselves out for business. Pure. Simple. Business.

Posted in Whatevs | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment